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The Newt Review: Geikkeju Online

December 24, 2012

So here’s the story: I met up with some of my friends in virtual space to play D&D, as we are prone to do on Friday afternoons, but this week a last minute conflict of interest with the group’s resident Pole, Cyfro, cut things short early, so the rest of us – John, Puppys, and myself – were left to our own devices. I was wracking my brain for ideas as to what I could review, so I tossed my quandary out to the other two and John immediately exclaimed, “Geikkeju Online! Review Geikkeju Online!” I asked him what in the world that was supposed to mean, he sent me a link and told me that if we played it I had to review it, and then we spent the next two hours bumbling around the absurdity that is Geikkeju Online in all of its ridiculous glory. I’m a man of my word, so just as my last post was a bit sillier-than-average in nature, so too shall be this week’s Newt Review. I present to you… Geikkeju Online.

“What is Geikkeju Online?” you say. I’m glad you asked, whoever said that! Geikkeju Online (okay, I promise I won’t say the full name anymore; we’ll call it GO) is an MMO (Massively Multiplayer Online game, for those of you who have only ever used the Internet to read this blog [I’m flattered by your dedication, by the way – Keep being awesome]), although calling it an MMO seems a bit generous seeing as pretty much no one plays it. It’s more of an MOGWMIBMR (Multiplayer Online Game With Massive Intentions But Mediocre Results, a term I just coined myself and will likely never remember or use again), but therein lies its greatest attribute: unintentional humor. Mounds of it. Heaps of it. The game itself is basically an exercise in so-bad-it’s-good.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. This is a review, after all! I should start with the basics: gameplay.

Gameplay… let’s see… the gameplay is… um…

Okay, I remember why I skipped that step now: because there is no gameplay. You make a character (you can customize his or her hair! There are at least six different styles and colors! Aaand that’s about it), then you watch the most unbelievably, laughably awful fantasy opening monologue of all time before being dropped in an inn with your fellow players and told to go do some stuff – mostly kill large numbers of random minuscule monsters for no apparent reason. You do this by clicking on them, then standing next to them and watching numbers (and several thousand copies of the word “MISS”) float up in the air until either you or your enemy is dead.

Apparently, you can also use other items in your quick-action bar, but you’d be a fool to waste space down there with items when you can pack it with character actions like spinning a leek in your hand, or performing such dance classics as the Chicken Dance or even the Caramelldansen! Pretty soon, that’s all John, Puppys, and I were doing, because it turns out that if you turn on auto walk and spin the leek like there’s no tomorrow, your characters slide along the ground like little airplanes with leek-propellers and it is way, way more fun than it has any right to be. Don’t even get me started on the aggressive Caramelldansen. You can’t stay mad at the unevenly-leveled monsters for killing you miles away from your spawn point when you get to aggressively-Caramelldanse all the way back to your party.

There’s plenty more I could say about the space oddity that is GO, but I’ll leave it at this:

Playing by yourself: NO, STOP, DON’T, TURN BACK, 0/10 DO NOT RECOMMEND

Playing with a group of goofy people on Skype chat: If absurdity is your thing then you’ll find yourself in paradise, my friend. Full speed ahead, aggressive Leek-jets away!

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